A friend of mine, Grace, e-mailed me to see how I was, and my response to her ended up being a lot more convoluted than her initial question, so it became the basis of my next blog. Let this be a lesson to my friends who innocently ask me a seemingly innocuous question, perhaps even attempting to just making a conversation, that there is a risk that I will actually give you a much longer response than you bargained for.
A few nights ago, I cracked open the bible without a particular destination in mind, and came across this verse:
“Rejoice in hope, be patient in suffering, persevere in prayer” - Romans 12:12
Regardless of your religious inclination, it sounds like a universally applicable statement, no? As it is with many bible verses, it sounds good when you read it, but as you ponder these words, you realized that these suggestions/recommendations/commands are much more difficult to follow in times of trial.
Rejoicing in (with) hope when you can not find a job that you want is frustrating; and doubt easily creeps in. Not to mention that once you get your hopes up, it feels devastating when things don’t work out as it did for me with the job I really wanted at Consumer Reports. You feel like you want to tone down your hope a bit, so that the let down is not so severe. As you experience more disappointment, it becomes more difficult to hope, never mind rejoicing. So is it possible for me to rejoice in hope? To do so will take a great deal of trust in God.
I think each of us experiences disappointment or anger that affects our ability to trust God at some point in our lives. For me, my recent unemployment has been one of the most difficult challenges I have experienced in my life, and it has been a struggle to continue to place my trust in God. I am not just talking about saying it, but truly feeling it in your heart. I am reminded of great religious monks like St. Francis of Assisi or Thomas Merton struggling with their own faith, and I am encouraged that my lack of trust in God can be a part and parcel of our faith struggle in our real life context that will ultimately strengthen my relationship with God.
I want to believe that each job opportunity lost is not my last, and that I need to have faith that God will continue to provide other opportunities. To have this faith, I suppose Romans verse is stating that I need to be patient in my suffering, and persevere in my prayer.
Patient in suffering…this is something that I am not very good at. Patience has never been my strongest virtue, and frankly speaking, in our modern work life where expediency is valued, patience is not always touted nor practiced. On the other hand, you hear the story of Job (guy from the Book of Job) and you pray that God would never push me to that level of suffering. I mean, there is suffering, and then there is Job’s suffering. For me going almost a year without a job (work, not the biblical person…ironic) is suffering enough.
On the other hand, I have to admit that the 10 months have not all been suffering. I had a great summer, spending quality time with the kids, training for a marathon, finally taking steps to start that Non-Profit organization I have been dreaming about… Additionally, our situation has challenged and enabled my wife and I to reach new levels of closeness that can only come from struggling through difficult trials together. We have food, a nice home, enough money to still live comfortably… But, what if we have to deplete our savings, or can’t contribute to college or retirement fund?
There is a woman in my neighborhood who recently got divorced, and her son was in my son’s grade. He did not show up for class this year, and it turns out that her husband had lost his job, stopped paying the mortgage to their home, and managed to take all of their savings. Her husband has been acting very unstably which was quite disconcerting for this woman, and worse yet, made it impossible for his kids to stay in our school. The wife had to move to her mom’s house out of state, just so that she can save the money she gets from her part time job to feed her family and survive. She has been struggling through her situation for the past 2 years, and it has gotten worse this year. This, to me, is suffering. She is in a complete survival mode.
I try really hard to not compare my situation with anyone else’s because I believe that there is no need to diminish one person’s suffering in comparison to another’s. However, I can’t help feeling that my suffering is really not in the same league as many people who are truly fighting for daily survival. Then I worry that maybe God will push me to greater depths of suffering, like with Job, until I take a deep breather and remind myself to think about my understanding of God. What image do I have of God?
The image of God I have is the all embracing mother who only wants the best for her son (a la the book “The Shack”). I choose to believe that the God is not the cause of these calamities, but quite the contrary, God is there to hold us up when we are down. It is not God’s will to cause suffering in our lives, but to ease our burdens, if I can only truly place my trust in God and have faith that God will be faithful to me.
This brings me to my final point about persevering in prayer. I have not been very good about praying, but why do I have to pray? I mean, shouldn’t God know what I need and take care of it if God truly loves me?
I remind myself that once again God is like that loving parent who wants to be in a close relationship with me, and wants to envelop me in her love and care. However, to have this relationship, I need to be in a dialog with God. It is like any other relationship; to make it work, I have to have communication.
I think I often make the mistake of thinking of prayer as the time when I ask God to help me or others I am praying about. I am not always good about just being “in conversation” with God, which means I have to spend some time listening to what God may have to say to me. This is where running has been helpful for me. I have made a conscious decision to put aside at least one or two days a week of easy runs when I will not be focused on training, but on being in dialog with God; being able to listen to God.
I think persevering in prayer just means that I just need to seek a closer relationship with God, when I most need God’s presence in my life.
Love,
HJ, the Spiritual Runner
Rejoice in hope, be patient in suffering, persevere in prayer
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