…are not for the faint of heart. Fortunately, I am not faint of heart because I have been having anxiety attacks ALL DAY!! This is terrible. I haven’t had anxiety attacks like this in…I can’t even remember when. My heart feels like it is racing…I can’t seem to catch my breath…this is an awful feeling.
But I’m trying to control them. Slow down my breathing, force myself to relax…but didn’t help much for most of the day. I did go walking at lunch hoping that would help. At first, I wasn’t sure it was going to do any good. But after about 10 minutes of walking I begin to calm down and the anxiety eased up. Of course, by the end of the work day I was right back where I was…feeling like I couldn’t breathe.
But I was determined to go run after work today. Walking at lunch is the first “workout” I’ve had all week. I’ve been totally bummed out and exhausted (this is more emotional than physical…but has the same effect.) Yesterday, I did get up to go run in the AM (how shocking is that?!?) but it was so cold…even after I got started I couldn’t get warm. At a quarter mile, my teeth were chattering so hard I thought they were going to fall out of my mouth…so I called it. Figured I could go after work when it warmed up…but by the time 5:00 rolled around I was so tired I wasn’t sure I could even drive home. Made it home but not much further. Didn’t even get out the laptop last night.
Although I did work on the exercises in both of my books…Emotional Blackmail and Feel the Fear…and Do It Anyway by Susan Jeffers, PhD. I had both books out and was making notes from one in the margins of the other because there is so much overlap. I mean a big part of what feeds emotional blackmail for the blackmailer and the target is FEAR. Remember, what the ‘F’ stands for in the FOG of confusion that emotional blackmail creates…FEAR. So, it makes sense to work on them together. I’m up to my next exercise in Emotional Blackmail. I’m supposed to have a dialogue with my discomfort. I’m hoping to get into that tonight so I’ll let you know how it goes. Should be interesting. And I also got a third book today…”Relationship Breakthrough” by Cloe Madanes.
I stumbled across this book because of a tweet from Tony Robbins. I ordered it but thought I was going to save this one until I finished the first two but after reading the first two pages of the Introduction by Tony Robbins…it is going to work well with what I’m already working on. So, I’m going to throw it into the mix now. I mean seriously I think these people are in my head. Check this out: “Why is that so many of us want to serve, to love, to help somebody, we want a relationship, but every day we do something that keeps us from moving forward or something that actually moves us in the opposite direction?” OMG, that is EXACTLY what I have been doing…
And then that was quickly followed by: “To feel like we are worthless is to feel like we are dead psychologically, emotionally and spiritually.” That is EXACTLY how I felt…worthless…which lead to feeling dead psychologically, emotionally and spiritually. It also talks about living in fear…and that’s just the first two pages of the introduction.
Of course, the fact that I feel like these people are in my head means two things. First, it means that I’m on the right track to modifying my behavior and changing my unhealthy patterns into healthy patterns…and it means that I’m not alone. I mean let’s face it these authors aren’t writing these books to sell just one to me. They could just send me an e-mail…be faster and cheaper… In fact, the book about fear by Dr. Jeffers is in its 20th edition and has sold millions of copies.
It is very comforting to know that I’m not the only one struggling with these issues…I’m not the only one trying to grow, change and improve. I still wish I had done this six months ago…of course the Relationship book was only recently released…and I’m sure there is a reason for the timing of all this. And let’s face it, six months ago I didn’t recognize that I needed to do this. I honestly did not realize how much fear was controlling my life and my decisions until I started trying to sort through the pieces after I effectively blew my life to Hell in mid-July.
It was only as I started sorting through the mess I made that I realized how confused…and scared I was. And then I realized how much control I had given that fear. Seems ridiculous…now. But at the time that fear was all-consuming. And still have moments where I feel powerless to the fear…hence the anxiety attacks today. Of course, I could probably relieve the anxiety by doing one simple thing…clicking send on an e-mail. It’s been written for two days…I just haven’t worked up the nerve to click send. Seems simple…one mouse click but I haven’t worked up the courage…yet. I will. I’ve been repeating my power phrase “I Can Handle It” and the five truths about fear (from my Fear book):
1. The fear will never go away as long as I continue to grow.
2. The only way to get rid of the fear of doing something is to go out and do it.
3. The only way to feel better about myself is to go out…and do it.
4. Not only am I going to experience fear whenever I’m on unfamiliar territory, so is everyone else.
5. Pushing through fear is less frightening than living with the underlying fear that comes from a feeling of helplessness.
And if you think about it these are all very true. So, I’m working on repeating these every time I feel the fear or anxiety (which is of course caused by fear) and make sure that I remember truth #2…The only way to get rid of the fear of doing something is to go out and do it. So, guess I need to work on clicking that little button…LOL!
Of course, running in the middle of an anxiety attack is interesting…but try throwing in speed work during one. I was determined to not miss my scheduled speed work training today. Of course, if you start out with shortness of breath and you’re doing cardio…well, it gets interesting. I did my usual 5-minute warm-up…run 5 minutes and then jacked up the speed for 3 minutes. But at the end of the 3 minutes I had to slow down to a walk. I had a serious stitch in my side which I’ve read is caused by lack of oxygen…imagine that… So, on the next speed section I backed off a little bit…and then walked one minute, run one minute of my two-minute recovery. This seemed to work. At the end…45 minutes with cool down I had completed 3.5 miles. Not too shabby for someone in the middle of an anxiety attack…not too shabby at all.
Tonight, I took an herbal anxiety remedy I bought back in June. I didn’t really notice that it helped then…but better than Xanax or some other prescription drug. And this is just temporary…so drugs aren’t really necessary. Tomorrow is cross-training day and I’m planning to go swim in the morning and then grab the 5:45 pm spin class at my gym. I’ve been wanting to try it but just haven’t…maybe I need to look at truth #4: Not only am I going to experience fear whenever I’m on unfamiliar territory, so is everyone else. Can be intimidating to do something for the first time…but everybody experiences that same feeling. And not going to get past it until I…DO IT!! Besides spinning is supposed to be great for forming those dents I want…so Let’s Get It On!!
But enough about my fears, anxieties…and continuing to work on myself. Maybe it seems foolish to spend so much time reading self-help books…working on changing my behavior…modifying past patterns of failure but I really want to make things better for my future. This is the only way I know to do that…read, learn, study…dig deep down inside and look at myself. It’s messy sometimes…and sometimes I don’t like the answers but finding the answers means I can change them in the future…and not make the same mistakes again.
In other news, my friend ‘D’ called today to wish me an early Happy Birthday. And we chatted for a few minutes and started talking about his new band – Dirt Weed. He asked me to write a song for his band. At first, I thought this would be a challenge and may take weeks. But I did it tonight…started it in my head on the way home. After dinner I sat down and typed it up. I’ll read over it tomorrow…and send it off. So, when Dirt Weed’s first album goes platinum and their first release “What Are We Fighting For?” is #1 – remember you read about it here first… Guess I can add songwriter to my list of accomplishments. Well, guess I’d better wait on the verdict from the band – they may send me back to the drawing board but frankly I thought it was pretty good. But what do I know? I’ve never written a song before…LOL!
There are other things to share but I’m sure you’re almost in acoma now as it is… How sad for my Roadies is it when I miss a day? I know you miss my entertaining and amusing posts but I do always try to make-up the next day…by writing twice as much…LOL!! So, I will say goodbye for now. Tomorrow I will tell you about the AWESOME picture of me at the finish line on Saturday that Tink19 brought me today. In fact, if I can get it electronically I’ll upload that. And I’ll tell you about the FABULOUS birthday gift I got today in the mail. I love it when my birthday celebrating lasts for several days… Until next time, hope you are facing your fears (they’re not as scary as they appear) and CELEBRATE you!
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