What can I say? Another the running life of… that requires no introduction. We have ironed out all copyright issues, so I am pleased to announce that this week is the running life of…Mark Armstrong. Brace youselves…
The following is a transcript of a conversation I had with Oprah Winfrey the last time she got down on her knees and begged me for an interview. Tom Cruise appeared after me. He spotted me jumping up and down on the couch in the green room demonstrating my amazing dexterity and stole it for his bit. Next time he invites me to one of his parties, I`m not going.
OW: Were you always an amazingly gifted athlete with a huge humanitarian streak and a Fabio hairstyle?
MA: Oh stop it! I changed my hair years ago!
To tell the truth, I always had the ability to run for extended periods of time. Not super-fast, but fast. I would get beaten pretty bad in the 100, but any farther and I could hold my own. I grew up on an air force base and played soccer from the age of five until high school. I could sneak the ball up the right side of the field (I was a right winger) pretty darn well and scored a few goals…Scoring in high school was a bit more difficult. I credit my running ability to my mother`s side of the family. She was a great high school runner, winning many competitions. I also credit my knack for not thinking too much. Ever. Especially when I am running.
OW: How did you get your start in running, handsome?
MA: Please Oprah, we have been down this road before and I am happily married, OK? The first time I ever ran any distance was when I was visiting a friend in Calgary; he had just joined an upscale health club with a running track. He thought he could run farther and longer than me…he was wrong. (audience cheers as Mark gives the thumbs-up sign) I do not remember how long we ran, likely no more than an hour, but it felt like forever! I know I couldn`t walk properly for some time after. It`s funny, I spent many years racing motocross and running just did not seem very exciting. As I got older and more fragile, though, falling off a dirt bike became something I did not want to do. I fell off a lot! Broke an arm, lots of gashes…
Shortly after Cheryl and I got married, we joined the YMCA. The trainers set up a plan for us that involved using the various machines. You know the drill. Within a couple of weeks I was spending the whole exercise session on the track. I like the simplicity of running; one foot in front of the other, and yet, it is so much more than that. After a couple of months, I signed up for a 10K class through the Y. It was March 2002. I’ll never forget how shocked I was to find out we were going to run outside. In the cold. In the snow. After the class ended, I entered a 10K race and have been at it ever since…except for some hiccups here and there due to injury.
OW: A two part question. Has Armani chosen you for their new spokesperson and did you and Karl Lagerfeld have a big dust-up at a show in Milan?
MA: Next question.
OW: OK then, tell me about your spread in Runner’s World?
MA: You know how humble I am, Oprah, but they just kept hounding me. They were relentless. Finally, I thought, “We’ll, if that’s what the public wants…” I wasn’t my usual buff self when we shot the cover but it was the only time I could find in my crazy schedule to fit the shoot in.
OW: The magazine quoted you as saying you did not enjoy your first marathon. Is that true? What happened?
MA: It was June 22, 2003 – Race the Twilight Marathon. Some adman decided the marathon should start at 5:00 p.m. Stupid. Plain stupid. Anyway, I had no idea what I was getting myself into and what I was going to experience. I mean, I really thought it was going to be a cake walk! I felt great, even chatty, until 30K. Then the gels took effect in a bad way. Not only did I become instantly fatigued, but I also felt extremely ill. After I finished the race, I spent two+ hours getting intimate with a toilet in the Butterdome. I was in severe distress. In retrospect, two good things came out of that day: it was my first encounter with the infamous, straw-toting AJ Rankel, and my finish time was fairly respectable at 3:03.26.
OW: I’ve been hearing rumors about you and a fellow named Jonathan Withey. I understand you and he spend a lot of time together.
MA: Our pets share a similar disorder. You could say we are a two man support group.
OW: Every mega superstar has his share of setbacks. At Boston in 2006 you fractured your femoral neck and didn’t run for over a year. That must have been so painful – mentally and physically.
MA: I don’t want to sound super-human or anything, but no other human being could have withstood the pain I endured. If I believed in god, I would thank him for moving the pavement underneath my feet for twenty miles. But, since there is no god, it was all me, baby. Pure guts. I ended that race in a wheel chair and didn’t leave it for a week. I didn’t race again for a year, and didn’t return to my previous fitness for two years. I do not wish a femoral neck stress fracture on anyone. That is, unless you’re drawn to the idea of endless video games and full-fat ice cream…
OW: Where is your running at today?
MA: I’ve agreed to be a psychological coach to Ryan Hall; it’s nice to help the up-and-comers. Personally, I hooked up with another elite marathoner, who is faster than me but not nearly as good looking. (laughs) Seriously, I`ve logged the best performances of my professional career this last year, with some substantial cash payouts. I feel great. I look great. I am great.
OW: I love your confidence, Mark. No wonder you get those fabulous endorsements!
MA: Yeah, I`ve just signed with Axe body spray. Trust me, the commercials are real. The chicks say I`m phat.
OW: You certainly are! We love you Mark Armstrong! Promise me you won`t be so shy and join me again soon!!!
(Mark gives Oprah air kisses and waves to the audience before they cut to commercial)
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